Chapter 1: Life's Choices
Father’s name should be glorified, He is Holy, Holy, Holy. But I am sinner, whom He has brought out to watch and see the glories of heaven, that I may find it in my soul to rest in Christ and his finished work, in Christ’s name, Amen. He Has chosen to pick me out of my sins, wash me clean and given me something I have always wanted, wisdom and Understanding to which I claimed I lacked just as the Ostrich. I lay hold onto it hoping that He is going to shame my adversary once and for all, he who has troubled me for all my life. For I really needed this Lord. I have struggled, but I am choosing a New Master to come to today saying the Lord Rebukes you. I have admired the single choice I made when I was being saved over three years ago, but today, I am choosing to look into the Mirror and asking my Lord to rectify my mistakes. To look into my own heart, to stare at my skeletons and choose this avenue to ask and make amends, for what better do I know, for that is my rag. I have to come as a pauper each day, my best clothes are the clothes of lack. I come poor for if I come rich I may boast out to you and be lifted. But I find satisfaction in the rag, as a sinner, for whom you died for while in sin and who was saved while in sin. I grow in the faith, I struggle Lord, the trials I asked for you brought along my way. I desired the faith whose value is more than gold, and for that I asked you Lord to shine down your trials upon my heart that you may try me. And as I often tell myself this was a bright spark, for what I desired to know was whether I mirrored your Word, which has been seven times tried. I desired to see the perfection of the Word that I wild, for I know you had called me to a good cause.
I have often said that in making the choice to choose this life, I was banking on this to be my one nest, in which I was committing my eggs, all of life’s desires, there were two paths to choose from and what I head towards is what I chose. I often go by the river and sit to pray to the Lord that he may give me this, but I know he has chosen this. As a beggar before the Lord, I walk away, but my desire is one, that I may learn how to come back to him poorer than we met. I often choose to leave all the blessings and take my most poverty ridden clothes of being a sinner and walk to him. I know He may choose to undress me and give me an imperishable dress, one that can act as my shield against the arrows of sin that have increasingly wounded me. Without the shield, I fell empty and the arrows come with the largest prick to deal me blows that always bring me on my knees for I know that only you alone are worthy of Worship.
As you choose to treat me as a Father, you are choosing to bestow on me this as my gift as I move into maturity. You have called me today to be a man, and like King David told Solomon at his death bed. See that you proves yourself a man. He has chosen to give me this to use in walking the jungle of the internet, to tear up the jaws of lions, the great promiscuity, uncontrollable lusts and a strong urge towards pleasuring myself (Porn). As I often say freedom is an illusion, you choose one master over the other. As you let go of one chain, you fall into another chain, but in this I fall comfortably, knowing that as the disciples were told to go cast the hook into lake and look inside the fish where they would find a gold coin for Caesar, I may be the fish in which this piece of Gold is found. For I know that the finder will go and sell all his goods and purchase the rag of old, from ancient of ages. For in this I find much pleasure. He who finds it May the Lord give it you as a gift most precious to hold onto. I pour out my heart, knowing that I have brought it all out bare that you may all see the skeletons. I often say you know your lusts, when the Lord has chosen to show them to you. I wanted to take a hard look into the mirror and see the speck in my eye, for who I really I am, a hypocrite, who uses the truth in unrighteousness, my eyes are those which are full of adultery, my insides are the stairs of hell, my heart rolls out a red carpet for all walk into hell. It is the most lavished, but, it has the worst hypocrisy ever seen. It is that breed of which the new age has taken up. But, I say I made a choice and I would like it to be so. I want to walk a straight path, I am broken, but I need to be mended. I n crooked, I need to be straightened.
I take you and I tie you down to the cross and I nail your hands with nails as strong as rivets. I choose to do this because I am perishing at the cross. I am choosing to undress this rag, life is a series of choices. I am undressing this rag for the good of my generations and their generation’s generation to the praise of the Glory of Father. For I know you need this in the internet age. My father brought me out to watch into this machine as a young boy. He used to cane me when he found me playing outside; I have stripes of lashes that tell of the story. I was the lead goal keeper while between class three and five and was always covered in dust, back at Nyanguju junior Academy in Oyugis, Homabay Country. My father would always call me out when he came to teach math or English at our class. Nearly all the pupils would be in class studying; yet, I was always the first to rush out. Play was a convenient thing for me and I found the pleasure to be fan. But the strokes I received did not help the matter for it often grew worse and as I could not help it. The problem was he never gave me anything to hold on but always wanted me to come sit in class comfortable, my need for fun was endless. I had found something that tingled in me, since childhood, and by the Grace of God, I am loosing it today. My struggle with lusts take a notch higher as I look deeply into my soul and have the veil lifted off to whom the Lord called me to be. Christ our forerunner has already made a way and we come. Sinners, being stripped of their clothing and being adorned with clothes, yet they go home and take the shiny off and come with other broken ones. Come see the wonder as beggars take of priestly robs to come back as beggars, kingly attire to come back as paupers, come see the mighty kneel down before Him, Hosanna the Lamb of God. Come watch as the centuries old Giant, the Great Babylon, who has invaded this workspace is taken down.
Nothing is too mighty for our Lord. Come watch the struggles of the sheep of the fold, the Nyanguju fold. I desire to open my heart, and speak to you, my dear sisters and brothers. I stood at Mum’s funeral and declared to you all that the Lord was going to take care of our fold that he was going to be watching over us. That He has chosen to visit us as he visited Abraham and Sarah, while they could not bear children. He has chosen to give the Nyanguju household a treasure that He hopes you all will cherish even after my passing, for generations and their next generations. For the feet of the Lord, which bringeth glad tings has arrived upon your household and he sits as a Father would sit at his home, he beckons children who were once afraid of him and calls them to hand out whatever he brought out from Kisumu, remember the trips. He was all harsh, but when he walked through the door with goods in his hands, we always saw a different person, at least for me. He chose to humbly look down to me as he looks a child and hand me the gift, knowing that deep down in his heart, he only meant good for me. I was the bastard, the outcast, the thief among the fold, as a kid, I was the most unsettled, the most, crafty, and the most untrustworthy. Old habits tend to stick to the skin like leach, and this one claws harder, as if heaven should open up and thunder should strike it down. But the Lord says, do not say who will rise to the heavens to bring Him down or who will ascend the abyss to bring his from the death. The word is near you, it is in your mouth that If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that the Lord raised Him from the dead you will be saved. So I look into my treasure within my heart to see, into the beautiful but majestic words that bring me a renewed sinew, a renewed strength to my will, for I hold on tight knowing that the choice I made should be sharpened, that it should glitter that its rays cover all my insides and that I all I see could be light, that those who speak to me may look deeply into my heart and see that Lord has chosen to lift me as lamp for the world to see, that in my passing and Christ living in me, You would all see this treasure, for I am have become acquainted with grief as he was.
That I have come to know grief as a familiarity for in it I find solace. That this is the only sacrifice I bring to the altar, that I may be bequeathed another treasure to share with you guys, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. He has been my delight, my way, my truth, and my life. In him I have come to as a solid rock, that I cleave to lest I drown in the cares of the world, its wealth and riches. Glittery things have often caught my eye and as such all the glitters of the world have come through and settled in my soul. Yeah, these are my skeletons, masturbation, porn, lusts, alcohol, bhang, and sex hangouts. Father they followed me through the machine that you saw could be your replacement for my fan, but they crawled in and found me and brought out the fun in me. I had left looking into the world through normal eyes and I started looking at the world through the eyes of the internet. In there I saw all the things that I could do with the knowledge you imparted on me. As a I saw a glitter in fun, so did I see a glitter in the internet. It beckoned me from a far and seduced me into its trap. My desires had crawled into the internet and were controlling how I saw the World. I saw the glittering songs, their words rocked me I started jamming to them as a kid, Around me I was seeing videos with semi-nude girls and it got my curiosity bit by bit. When I found my copy of a magazine, SEEN, in our bedroom behind the bed, I had come to heaven. I looked through the magazines and even though I never felt anything, I started stroking my dick as I started to train my own heart to love the pictures. I would mourn just to turn myself own and roll the picture in my head as if I was sleeping with the lady. I did this and the colored four pages on the inside was a treat. I feasted my eyes and read through the articles bit by bit, at each point I was mourning. Through this, I had successfully taught my heart to lust and the desires started getting their roots there. I had added a second sin unto another. Masturbation became the norm, among friends, neighbors, and on television shows and it was the hottest story. I look back and I see I was getting better, I was being the worst in the society, and since everything questioned me on why I was the do-gooder, I knew I wanted to be badder than most.
So I desired to be the greatest porn-star of all time, If I could not do that, I had to get mamas to sleep with for money, and if that did not happen, I would settle down with chicks and If they had any money, that was the ticket to life. Thinking like this took me astray, for I listened to the thoughts as they started convincing me each day on how I was to lead my life. The seduction was progressive and each time, the glitter would be more real. I looked and desired more into the lifestyle and where I saw hookers on the streets I wanted to join them, go pay for their services as I did a while back. And on one of this occasions I contracted a disease. I do not recall what disease it was, but my penis was itchy, had a foul smell, and I struggled to urinate. I was living with this lady somewhere behind Highlands Academy. With her I slept and we had another couple who shared the same house. On some nights, the hooker* would bring in a fellow barmaid and her boyfriend with whom we slept together in the house. Some day on the mattress and on others when the guests arrived, we took the mat. Now I had completed my form four at Nyang’iela and had some money from Mom’s Hotel, Nyanguju Hotel, where I worked part-time as a cook and a waiter. I was being trained into a career that I did not think I cared much about, but I had had learned best to steal. That was a favorite thing for me, from the five shillings, inside the clock with the loud noise and the chicken gong, to taking money from mom’s bag, to stealing from Dad’s coat in the sitting room. Those coins that fell onto the seat were a treasure for who found them. At the hotel, I began with small bits before proceeding to larger bits. With time, five hundred a day to spend was no problem, with our family friend Thotho. We walked numerous places drinking together and often, I was the boss. I bought drinks at the table.
But soon, I would change ladies and the more expensive one would tend to cost much, for she lived at her father’s place. She I found to be expensive and I had to drain the hotel and save just to please her. She received the best gifts courtesy of my newly built status of theft to survive. I felt the urge to visit her and when I needed her after flirting and dallying around in the workplace, I would later take her to some lodging, money I had, or so I assumed and could spend it on the pleasure. Then mom caught me and rationed the options I was given, sometime I would return stolen money after she talked at home that she realized she had a thief and wanted to go count the money. I would go back, ask for the key from the nearest shop, Kanyakomala and go in. On some occasions I went in on Sundays just to draw money and hang out with my friends. I was taking uncontrollably and I never cared how much remained. My theft and richly status had attracted other friends, close ones I could hang out with. I started leaving my old gang that I hang out with whom we engaged in drinking and chose a new gang. The new one were more upscale, and not rowdy, more socially acceptable than others. In them I found solace, we partied, I went home drunk, puked, was caught. On other occasions, I thought I was crawling back in but was being seen in plain sight. I looked at my life and reflected on whom I was turning to. I saw the drunk thief, the promiscuous hard headed one, the one who care led about the society, the disobedient one and I admired him. To me I was turning into the definition of what to be entitled to a name would give you. I need to show the status of the Nyanguju name even if was through theft so that friends would recognize it. I desired to feel important as other families close by and the only thing I saw could give me the lifestyle was the theft.
I have often said that in making the choice to choose this life, I was banking on this to be my one nest, in which I was committing my eggs, all of life’s desires, there were two paths to choose from and what I head towards is what I chose. I often go by the river and sit to pray to the Lord that he may give me this, but I know he has chosen this. As a beggar before the Lord, I walk away, but my desire is one, that I may learn how to come back to him poorer than we met. I often choose to leave all the blessings and take my most poverty ridden clothes of being a sinner and walk to him. I know He may choose to undress me and give me an imperishable dress, one that can act as my shield against the arrows of sin that have increasingly wounded me. Without the shield, I fell empty and the arrows come with the largest prick to deal me blows that always bring me on my knees for I know that only you alone are worthy of Worship.
As you choose to treat me as a Father, you are choosing to bestow on me this as my gift as I move into maturity. You have called me today to be a man, and like King David told Solomon at his death bed. See that you proves yourself a man. He has chosen to give me this to use in walking the jungle of the internet, to tear up the jaws of lions, the great promiscuity, uncontrollable lusts and a strong urge towards pleasuring myself (Porn). As I often say freedom is an illusion, you choose one master over the other. As you let go of one chain, you fall into another chain, but in this I fall comfortably, knowing that as the disciples were told to go cast the hook into lake and look inside the fish where they would find a gold coin for Caesar, I may be the fish in which this piece of Gold is found. For I know that the finder will go and sell all his goods and purchase the rag of old, from ancient of ages. For in this I find much pleasure. He who finds it May the Lord give it you as a gift most precious to hold onto. I pour out my heart, knowing that I have brought it all out bare that you may all see the skeletons. I often say you know your lusts, when the Lord has chosen to show them to you. I wanted to take a hard look into the mirror and see the speck in my eye, for who I really I am, a hypocrite, who uses the truth in unrighteousness, my eyes are those which are full of adultery, my insides are the stairs of hell, my heart rolls out a red carpet for all walk into hell. It is the most lavished, but, it has the worst hypocrisy ever seen. It is that breed of which the new age has taken up. But, I say I made a choice and I would like it to be so. I want to walk a straight path, I am broken, but I need to be mended. I n crooked, I need to be straightened.
I take you and I tie you down to the cross and I nail your hands with nails as strong as rivets. I choose to do this because I am perishing at the cross. I am choosing to undress this rag, life is a series of choices. I am undressing this rag for the good of my generations and their generation’s generation to the praise of the Glory of Father. For I know you need this in the internet age. My father brought me out to watch into this machine as a young boy. He used to cane me when he found me playing outside; I have stripes of lashes that tell of the story. I was the lead goal keeper while between class three and five and was always covered in dust, back at Nyanguju junior Academy in Oyugis, Homabay Country. My father would always call me out when he came to teach math or English at our class. Nearly all the pupils would be in class studying; yet, I was always the first to rush out. Play was a convenient thing for me and I found the pleasure to be fan. But the strokes I received did not help the matter for it often grew worse and as I could not help it. The problem was he never gave me anything to hold on but always wanted me to come sit in class comfortable, my need for fun was endless. I had found something that tingled in me, since childhood, and by the Grace of God, I am loosing it today. My struggle with lusts take a notch higher as I look deeply into my soul and have the veil lifted off to whom the Lord called me to be. Christ our forerunner has already made a way and we come. Sinners, being stripped of their clothing and being adorned with clothes, yet they go home and take the shiny off and come with other broken ones. Come see the wonder as beggars take of priestly robs to come back as beggars, kingly attire to come back as paupers, come see the mighty kneel down before Him, Hosanna the Lamb of God. Come watch as the centuries old Giant, the Great Babylon, who has invaded this workspace is taken down.
Nothing is too mighty for our Lord. Come watch the struggles of the sheep of the fold, the Nyanguju fold. I desire to open my heart, and speak to you, my dear sisters and brothers. I stood at Mum’s funeral and declared to you all that the Lord was going to take care of our fold that he was going to be watching over us. That He has chosen to visit us as he visited Abraham and Sarah, while they could not bear children. He has chosen to give the Nyanguju household a treasure that He hopes you all will cherish even after my passing, for generations and their next generations. For the feet of the Lord, which bringeth glad tings has arrived upon your household and he sits as a Father would sit at his home, he beckons children who were once afraid of him and calls them to hand out whatever he brought out from Kisumu, remember the trips. He was all harsh, but when he walked through the door with goods in his hands, we always saw a different person, at least for me. He chose to humbly look down to me as he looks a child and hand me the gift, knowing that deep down in his heart, he only meant good for me. I was the bastard, the outcast, the thief among the fold, as a kid, I was the most unsettled, the most, crafty, and the most untrustworthy. Old habits tend to stick to the skin like leach, and this one claws harder, as if heaven should open up and thunder should strike it down. But the Lord says, do not say who will rise to the heavens to bring Him down or who will ascend the abyss to bring his from the death. The word is near you, it is in your mouth that If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that the Lord raised Him from the dead you will be saved. So I look into my treasure within my heart to see, into the beautiful but majestic words that bring me a renewed sinew, a renewed strength to my will, for I hold on tight knowing that the choice I made should be sharpened, that it should glitter that its rays cover all my insides and that I all I see could be light, that those who speak to me may look deeply into my heart and see that Lord has chosen to lift me as lamp for the world to see, that in my passing and Christ living in me, You would all see this treasure, for I am have become acquainted with grief as he was.
That I have come to know grief as a familiarity for in it I find solace. That this is the only sacrifice I bring to the altar, that I may be bequeathed another treasure to share with you guys, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. He has been my delight, my way, my truth, and my life. In him I have come to as a solid rock, that I cleave to lest I drown in the cares of the world, its wealth and riches. Glittery things have often caught my eye and as such all the glitters of the world have come through and settled in my soul. Yeah, these are my skeletons, masturbation, porn, lusts, alcohol, bhang, and sex hangouts. Father they followed me through the machine that you saw could be your replacement for my fan, but they crawled in and found me and brought out the fun in me. I had left looking into the world through normal eyes and I started looking at the world through the eyes of the internet. In there I saw all the things that I could do with the knowledge you imparted on me. As a I saw a glitter in fun, so did I see a glitter in the internet. It beckoned me from a far and seduced me into its trap. My desires had crawled into the internet and were controlling how I saw the World. I saw the glittering songs, their words rocked me I started jamming to them as a kid, Around me I was seeing videos with semi-nude girls and it got my curiosity bit by bit. When I found my copy of a magazine, SEEN, in our bedroom behind the bed, I had come to heaven. I looked through the magazines and even though I never felt anything, I started stroking my dick as I started to train my own heart to love the pictures. I would mourn just to turn myself own and roll the picture in my head as if I was sleeping with the lady. I did this and the colored four pages on the inside was a treat. I feasted my eyes and read through the articles bit by bit, at each point I was mourning. Through this, I had successfully taught my heart to lust and the desires started getting their roots there. I had added a second sin unto another. Masturbation became the norm, among friends, neighbors, and on television shows and it was the hottest story. I look back and I see I was getting better, I was being the worst in the society, and since everything questioned me on why I was the do-gooder, I knew I wanted to be badder than most.
So I desired to be the greatest porn-star of all time, If I could not do that, I had to get mamas to sleep with for money, and if that did not happen, I would settle down with chicks and If they had any money, that was the ticket to life. Thinking like this took me astray, for I listened to the thoughts as they started convincing me each day on how I was to lead my life. The seduction was progressive and each time, the glitter would be more real. I looked and desired more into the lifestyle and where I saw hookers on the streets I wanted to join them, go pay for their services as I did a while back. And on one of this occasions I contracted a disease. I do not recall what disease it was, but my penis was itchy, had a foul smell, and I struggled to urinate. I was living with this lady somewhere behind Highlands Academy. With her I slept and we had another couple who shared the same house. On some nights, the hooker* would bring in a fellow barmaid and her boyfriend with whom we slept together in the house. Some day on the mattress and on others when the guests arrived, we took the mat. Now I had completed my form four at Nyang’iela and had some money from Mom’s Hotel, Nyanguju Hotel, where I worked part-time as a cook and a waiter. I was being trained into a career that I did not think I cared much about, but I had had learned best to steal. That was a favorite thing for me, from the five shillings, inside the clock with the loud noise and the chicken gong, to taking money from mom’s bag, to stealing from Dad’s coat in the sitting room. Those coins that fell onto the seat were a treasure for who found them. At the hotel, I began with small bits before proceeding to larger bits. With time, five hundred a day to spend was no problem, with our family friend Thotho. We walked numerous places drinking together and often, I was the boss. I bought drinks at the table.
But soon, I would change ladies and the more expensive one would tend to cost much, for she lived at her father’s place. She I found to be expensive and I had to drain the hotel and save just to please her. She received the best gifts courtesy of my newly built status of theft to survive. I felt the urge to visit her and when I needed her after flirting and dallying around in the workplace, I would later take her to some lodging, money I had, or so I assumed and could spend it on the pleasure. Then mom caught me and rationed the options I was given, sometime I would return stolen money after she talked at home that she realized she had a thief and wanted to go count the money. I would go back, ask for the key from the nearest shop, Kanyakomala and go in. On some occasions I went in on Sundays just to draw money and hang out with my friends. I was taking uncontrollably and I never cared how much remained. My theft and richly status had attracted other friends, close ones I could hang out with. I started leaving my old gang that I hang out with whom we engaged in drinking and chose a new gang. The new one were more upscale, and not rowdy, more socially acceptable than others. In them I found solace, we partied, I went home drunk, puked, was caught. On other occasions, I thought I was crawling back in but was being seen in plain sight. I looked at my life and reflected on whom I was turning to. I saw the drunk thief, the promiscuous hard headed one, the one who care led about the society, the disobedient one and I admired him. To me I was turning into the definition of what to be entitled to a name would give you. I need to show the status of the Nyanguju name even if was through theft so that friends would recognize it. I desired to feel important as other families close by and the only thing I saw could give me the lifestyle was the theft.
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