Memoirs of a Stray Heart

I could not sustain my work anymore as most of my time was spent drinking and getting high. I was always late on my work and school was not working well for me. In the midst of these periods, I met a gay friend, had some time together, admired his lifestyle, admired his progress in life. An age mate was living well, driving his own car (or so I assumed), in school, and working on several projects, which I did not go deep to look at. At that point, the idea stroke me, I needed to venture into the gay market. I was willing to sell my flesh to the highest bidder. I left my friends place with only one thought in mind. From then on I started googling prices for a night of wild sex with a gay person, and I was liking what I saw. This was an untapped market, and I needed to make the most of it. I even started looking for gay strip clubs in Nairobi, I had a desire to be a dancer too. I had done it while raving and surely could do this for cash. As I dug into this new venture, I collected all t...

Then I thought of moving to Nairobi to make my own money and afford the lifestyle for myself, or to learn to steal it and continue the norm I knew. I started asking around and found a willing friend who could house me when I came to Nairobi. I started floating out the story to mum and told her what lay inside my heart. I wanted to come hustle in Nairobi, look for my own fee to support myself, support mum, for she had given birth to men who would once day fill the large shoes that dad filled but had left upon his death. I wanted my young brother to see what it meant to be grown up, what it meant to have an elder brother who could show you where to step, when you did not have a male figure to look up to. But mum, was against me, No she shouted, stay here I will send you to school when I have money. But I did not want her to continue witnessing who I was becoming, to me the Nyanguju name had to be held high and I saw me ruining the reputation. I often feared that neighbors would make nega...

Father’s name should be glorified, He is Holy, Holy, Holy. But I am sinner, whom He has brought out to watch and see the glories of heaven, that I may find it in my soul to rest in Christ and his finished work, in Christ’s name, Amen. He Has chosen to pick me out of my sins, wash me clean and given me something I have always wanted, wisdom and Understanding to which I claimed I lacked just as the Ostrich. I lay hold onto it hoping that He is going to shame my adversary once and for all, he who has troubled me for all my life. For I really needed this Lord. I have struggled, but I am choosing a New Master to come to today saying the Lord Rebukes you. I have admired the single choice I made when I was being saved over three years ago, but today, I am choosing to look into the Mirror and asking my Lord to rectify my mistakes. To look into my own heart, to stare at my skeletons and choose this avenue to ask and make amends, for what better do I know, for that is my rag. I have to come as a...

I was not going to the riverside to chill or pray, not today. So I came prepared with a matchbox, loose change to purchase weed from any of the smokers, two PK gums, and a matchbox. Nothing could be further from the truth; I knew exactly what I was going to do there. The first person I approached had none, did not even know what weed was, I guess. Seeing nobody there, I sat down to listen to the waves by the riverside. The next sight that caught my eye was Chris*. He rolled to the spot where I usually sat down to pray. Though I could not see him from afar, I concluded that he must have been the visitor who left traces of cigarette packs. I timed him, waited for him to settle and light up his weed. Then I walked over. “Hey vipi?” a distance away, I engaged him in a conversation about where I could purchase some weed; I knew I wanted it from him if he had some. I was willing to pay any price. Then, he passes me a joint willingly and I pick it up. I smoke it hungrily and three years o...