Chapter 3: Night Life comes Calling but Christ Comes First
I could not sustain my work anymore as most of my time was spent drinking and getting high. I was always late on my work and school was not working well for me. In the midst of these periods, I met a gay friend, had some time together, admired his lifestyle, admired his progress in life. An age mate was living well, driving his own car (or so I assumed), in school, and working on several projects, which I did not go deep to look at. At that point, the idea stroke me, I needed to venture into the gay market. I was willing to sell my flesh to the highest bidder. I left my friends place with only one thought in mind. From then on I started googling prices for a night of wild sex with a gay person, and I was liking what I saw. This was an untapped market, and I needed to make the most of it. I even started looking for gay strip clubs in Nairobi, I had a desire to be a dancer too. I had done it while raving and surely could do this for cash. As I dug into this new venture, I collected all the information I needed to make the dream into a reality. On one of the occasions, I bought a carrot from the street, rolled a pack of condoms on it and inserted it into my lubed anus. I wanted to know whether I could feel the pain or not. As I went to and fro, a voice started speaking to me and questioned me. Are you right upstairs, I was asked, what are you doing? Is this where you believe your life is suitable for? Is this the dream you had of life? And beyond the voice were laughter, and the claim, “we have caught you, you thought you were wise.” The laughter drove me to my senses, somebody was happy for all the suffering I was going through. This was a quick way to make some cash, but c’mon, at the expense of the laughter, no.
For the first time, I dropped the carrot into the dustbin, knelt down and started praying. I wept bitterly to the Lord, and my question was one, Father is this the life you intend for me to live. Is this how you intended me to be birthed and is this your goal for my life. What will I do with all the dreams I have of my mother, how will this be that the son who went to change her mother’s name is the lost one. Help me Lord, this is not the life I want. After weeping, I stood up, I had gained a little clarity, I took the rolls of weed and threw them into the dustbin and the alcohol I drained into the sink. I looked for work and started on. And there began an intense cat and mouse game. I would remember the location of the weed, and do through the dustbin after three to four days. I would take out the weed and start smoking again. What began as a quarter of a joint would increase to three or four rolls in the house all hidden. My girlfriend had stopped smoking weed then and asked me on several occasions to stop. But I felt powerless, the will was not there in me. The seductions were strong, I can never underestimate them, I was sold the pleasure of the joy I could get from going back into the habits with the promise of moderation. And when I took that one puff, I was hooked again. The same circle began. I grew worse each single day, and now I admitted to myself I was a struggling drunk. I thought of checking into a rehab, but I thought to myself, the weed I could leave, but where is the rehab for these lusts. With the question, I dropped the search for help within the world. When I saw my work hindered again by my drinking, partying, and stray sexual desires, I wept again bitterly in my house. Not even my girlfriend knew of the events that were taking place for I knew best to hide them.
And each time, I would throw out all the weed, delete all porn from my computer, empty the alcohol bottles and go back to work. But the same circle continued three or four days later, and when I came to I had several rolls of weed, a collection of porn movies, and a two or three bottles of whiskey that I would drain daily. My girlfriend was already flirting with other men and I felt bitter about myself. I had low self-esteem and felt inadequate before her. Depressed and with no hope, prayer became the only thing that made my mind clear, but since I only did it once in a while it did not help much. I was pestered to walk into the church by my girlfriend and I declined, “I have no descent clothes, I exclaimed.” And she decided to look for the money and one day, she comes home and says, “We are going to purchase you clothes.” Armed with twelve thousand shillings we hit the market, I was going to be purchased new clothes. And when I got them I did not even want to hear of the Church, I was fine. Even my neighbor’s calls to have me go to church fell on deaf ears. I kept replying to an endless next time for I was never decided. Problem is I never trusted the Church, I saw its hypocrisy clearly and I did not want to join them. I often believed, let the Church be God’s and if you cannot cope, be a sinner, but do not pretend. I only knew of two choices, either be in the Church as an obedient believer or be a sinner and amass all the sins you could, and I had chosen the latter. Even as a friend tracked me later and told me of his recent salvation, I had little stomach for it, to me it was just rumblings, why did this guy join a thing reserved for older persons.
I hated that a youth could discard all the pleasures of life and pretend to be saved. This was worse for me. I never paid attention to him, and even when he invited a pastor over to my place, I had no stomach for it. The friend was a drinking buddy, someone with whom we once drunk and smoked weed together. So him telling me of his new salvation threw me on the defensive. My old instincts kicked in, it must be a sham, the religion is here again. But on another occasion, he informed me unapologetically that he was a bringing a pastor over to my house and we would have a session with the pastor. I agreed, but would later seek a way to go into hiding, or lock myself indoors, switch off my phone and just be gone. But they came nevertheless and I could not send away two of my friends whom we were working with in my house. I sat down to listen to him speak and I despised the pastor for he was old. I was going to analyze each word he was going to say to me, just to prove that he was one of the religious types who had come to dupe me. He told me of his path to salvation and opened his bible and there began. He told me of how his brother brought home a pastor who spoke of the heart, the things in it and its impact on one’s life. He said all the things that defile a man proceed from within the heart, for from within out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts. While the pastor was talking to him, he took on a defensive attitude and thought to himself, this pastor knows not of what sin is and its sweetness to be preaching to us that it can all end.
So the pastor tells me of his thoughts during the time and I listen. He started talking of the numerous thoughts that defile men and reside within them. Adultery, he said. Is the sleeping of a man or a woman with a married partner. I was clear of this one, I did not need to hear of it. Two, fornication, a man and woman sleeping together with no marriage ties. This caught my mind, I was in the same exact position, I had a girlfriend within the house, unmarried, and I still slept with other women behind her back, even without protection. He told me of how the sin could end the life of a person if they contracted untreatable diseases or engaged in fights, which were too common over women. I knew this was within me and I agreed. Third, murders, he drove the point home by stating, men have made women pregnant only to have them abort the children and throw them away in dustbins or in rivers. Others have killed or stabled others while quarreling over little issues, I was struck again, this was in me. Next, he touched on thefts, and told me that many a family have lost loved ones who have been burned or killed in the field. He told me that theft is a thought that drags you away to be killed out in the streets, it tells you, “You are good at it and cannot be caught,” but when you are burning or being killed, you turn around bitter and ask in regret why you could be so foolish as to listen. He explained how what began with five shillings blossoms into a great thief and there I felt as though he knew me. Next he mentioned lusts and started talking of how men drip in desire after women, who are skimpily dressed and salivate over them. Whatever he mentioned about lusts I could not remember, as I was lost in thought on what lust had become for me, the porn, the masturbation, and the stray sexual desires, the sodomy, the desire to work the street for money. As I drowned in these thoughts, I knew these stated things were in me. I did not want to listen any longer. So I switched off my mind and started staring at my friends thinking of what a good thing they had received, for my teacher Mr. Awiti often called it the good news. I said to myself, see how they nod, they have received a beautiful thing.
I kept repeating that to myself while looking at them nod their heads. I was blacked out, just waiting for the session to be done. Details of what happened later, I do not recall, all I know is that they asked me to escort them and I came to my senses. “Ooh the session is over” was my claim. I escorted them and came back to an empty house. I found it boring and being a Saturday and with no money, I needed something to keep my mind of the reality, I walked straight to purchase some weed, kept it in the house and went for a stroll. I came back later after my girlfriend had slept, armed with food to cook and eat after smoking. I worked my way in the kitchen prepared the food, smoked half the joint, watched a funny comedy, and when I was through, I wanted to smoke the rest, eat and sleep. After smoking the remaining joint, I thought to myself, what do I do, do I masturbate, do I program, or do I watch porn and just get horny? As the thoughts raced through my mind, questions about the events of the day started streaming in. What if what the pastor had said in the house could be true? If it is a lie, its all well, it’s the usual, but if it’s the truth, then that is the Word of God, we prayed to God and in this similar place I am smoking. For the first time in my life, I saw the magnitude of my disobedience. The repercussions of the truth rolled in mind and I consumed the truth and saw myself worthy of death.
Then the heavens opened, the giant veil that lay on my face and bound my thoughts was taken away. The house was filled with a strange light and surely the presence of He who spoke to me was holy. “What are you doing” I was asked. I questioned wherever the voice came from, but all the while, I was too afraid to look up. I was vile, I was defiled, I was guilty, I was disobedient, no, it is not me you are speaking to. I had to walk to the balcony just to confirm I was not dreaming or going insane from the weed. Outside at the balcony, the voice did not leave me, I only thought to myself, wherever you are running to you may get mad, get knocked down by a vehicle and your whereabouts may never be known. Go and clear it out with Him. So I went back into the house, locked my door and started listening. “What are you doing?” still I had no answer. “Why do you ruin your life?” I had no answer, all that kept rolling through my mind, was the greatest sense of disobedience and how worthy I was fit for death. I thought within myself, if He were to decree death to me at this point, I would willingly agree for that is my portion, for that I am fit. For why I ruin my life, I had no answer. Next, He questioned me, “Where have you left mum?” and I took to reflect on the question. I have been hiding from my mum, because she sent me school fee, close to ksh. 150,000, which I squandered. All the while I have forged bank and school receipts and sent them to her, but she wants proof of the certificate, which I could forge. However, my in-law went to the same school and without an original copy, I could not forge them, for I did that as a job. And even if I sent the certificate, they may use it to look for work, so here I was not caring about home, my guilt was driving me away from mum. After thinking of this, I had to call mum, then and there. I had to mend the relationship. I called her, asked how she was faring on, calmed down her worries on why I was calling late at 12 am, and let her be.
Thinking the conversation was done, I sat down but came the next question, “Why do you not want to go to church, did I not purchase you clothes, which you claimed you lacked?” I reflected on this too, my friends were telling me to go to church, my girlfriend pressured me, my neighbors asked me relentlessly, the pastor asked me, but I refused. I did not argue on this one, I knew I had to go to church the next day. I took clothes and put them on and prepared myself for what lay ahead of me. Sitting down as if the resolution was what was desired of me, I relaxed. Then the thoughts started streaming in, and I saw myself leaving home and arriving in Nairobi, working my way to where I was, the string of events that were coming to my way, just to ensure I did no stray and how each time, I was straying. I saw the events of the day and saw my life light years ahead of me. It was me standing and watching over all my efforts, without a care for sin, with no burden on my heart, and living a pious life. I was seeing the vision of the life I aimed for, what I desired but could not get. Then, I started talking within myself, this is the life I want, Lord give me this, this is what I need. As I went out jovially to ask for it, the vision ended and I saw myself at a dumping site. Here I was clutching on a sack, and collecting all the valuables at the site, in tattered clothes, a trouser that had turned into a short, torn all over, sandals that had lost all function, torn shirt, long nails, a dirty skin that had not bathed for most of his life. I was looking at peals of banana and collecting them for later, I was looking for food.
The sight messed me up, I saw myself for who I really was, I saw who I was turning into, and looking for my weed in the dustbin where I had threw them away confirmed the sight to me. I was insane on the inside. I saw what I was turning into and the sight repulsed me, I did not want it, I did not take any pleasure in it, I needed something new, I needed what I had been shown and I started talking, I want what you showed me a while before, that is the life I want, this I do not, I do not want the insanity, I want to live the life you just showed me first. I stood up with the resolve, I wanted the life and I had to get it. Like Jacob, I was willing to wrestle for on this my whole life was riding on, this was the break I needed in life. This was an opportunity come my way and the Lord had it, I had to acquire it, what will you have me do Lord. Then He mentioned this to me, “Know that only I have the power to tie up your neck like a knot and leave you for dead.” I was struck, he had power over me, power to end it as He pleased, He was worthy of respect, He was worthy of worship. I stood up from my chair and started rehearsing the one thing I knew throughout my life with my father after he had punished me. I started speaking, I will not repeat this again, I will not repeat this again, I will not repeat this again. Then a voice spoke to me, just kneel down and pray. I took to my knees, knelt down and started praying. As I talked, I felt the burden lifted off my heart, I felt myself become empty. Every word I spoke was moving towards an unapproachable light, that I could now see clearly while praying. But the thought came to me, you a sinner, what do you seek where all is holy. I came to my senses and said to myself; I will end this prayer and will seek all my life to know how to become like Him. I needed to come to his presence fit and holy as he is. So I cut my prayer resolved to go wherever the pastor was to preach, I needed to know how to be holy. After ending my prayer and seated there, the heavens closed up and my bulb lit up as usual.
For the first time, I dropped the carrot into the dustbin, knelt down and started praying. I wept bitterly to the Lord, and my question was one, Father is this the life you intend for me to live. Is this how you intended me to be birthed and is this your goal for my life. What will I do with all the dreams I have of my mother, how will this be that the son who went to change her mother’s name is the lost one. Help me Lord, this is not the life I want. After weeping, I stood up, I had gained a little clarity, I took the rolls of weed and threw them into the dustbin and the alcohol I drained into the sink. I looked for work and started on. And there began an intense cat and mouse game. I would remember the location of the weed, and do through the dustbin after three to four days. I would take out the weed and start smoking again. What began as a quarter of a joint would increase to three or four rolls in the house all hidden. My girlfriend had stopped smoking weed then and asked me on several occasions to stop. But I felt powerless, the will was not there in me. The seductions were strong, I can never underestimate them, I was sold the pleasure of the joy I could get from going back into the habits with the promise of moderation. And when I took that one puff, I was hooked again. The same circle began. I grew worse each single day, and now I admitted to myself I was a struggling drunk. I thought of checking into a rehab, but I thought to myself, the weed I could leave, but where is the rehab for these lusts. With the question, I dropped the search for help within the world. When I saw my work hindered again by my drinking, partying, and stray sexual desires, I wept again bitterly in my house. Not even my girlfriend knew of the events that were taking place for I knew best to hide them.
And each time, I would throw out all the weed, delete all porn from my computer, empty the alcohol bottles and go back to work. But the same circle continued three or four days later, and when I came to I had several rolls of weed, a collection of porn movies, and a two or three bottles of whiskey that I would drain daily. My girlfriend was already flirting with other men and I felt bitter about myself. I had low self-esteem and felt inadequate before her. Depressed and with no hope, prayer became the only thing that made my mind clear, but since I only did it once in a while it did not help much. I was pestered to walk into the church by my girlfriend and I declined, “I have no descent clothes, I exclaimed.” And she decided to look for the money and one day, she comes home and says, “We are going to purchase you clothes.” Armed with twelve thousand shillings we hit the market, I was going to be purchased new clothes. And when I got them I did not even want to hear of the Church, I was fine. Even my neighbor’s calls to have me go to church fell on deaf ears. I kept replying to an endless next time for I was never decided. Problem is I never trusted the Church, I saw its hypocrisy clearly and I did not want to join them. I often believed, let the Church be God’s and if you cannot cope, be a sinner, but do not pretend. I only knew of two choices, either be in the Church as an obedient believer or be a sinner and amass all the sins you could, and I had chosen the latter. Even as a friend tracked me later and told me of his recent salvation, I had little stomach for it, to me it was just rumblings, why did this guy join a thing reserved for older persons.
I hated that a youth could discard all the pleasures of life and pretend to be saved. This was worse for me. I never paid attention to him, and even when he invited a pastor over to my place, I had no stomach for it. The friend was a drinking buddy, someone with whom we once drunk and smoked weed together. So him telling me of his new salvation threw me on the defensive. My old instincts kicked in, it must be a sham, the religion is here again. But on another occasion, he informed me unapologetically that he was a bringing a pastor over to my house and we would have a session with the pastor. I agreed, but would later seek a way to go into hiding, or lock myself indoors, switch off my phone and just be gone. But they came nevertheless and I could not send away two of my friends whom we were working with in my house. I sat down to listen to him speak and I despised the pastor for he was old. I was going to analyze each word he was going to say to me, just to prove that he was one of the religious types who had come to dupe me. He told me of his path to salvation and opened his bible and there began. He told me of how his brother brought home a pastor who spoke of the heart, the things in it and its impact on one’s life. He said all the things that defile a man proceed from within the heart, for from within out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts. While the pastor was talking to him, he took on a defensive attitude and thought to himself, this pastor knows not of what sin is and its sweetness to be preaching to us that it can all end.
So the pastor tells me of his thoughts during the time and I listen. He started talking of the numerous thoughts that defile men and reside within them. Adultery, he said. Is the sleeping of a man or a woman with a married partner. I was clear of this one, I did not need to hear of it. Two, fornication, a man and woman sleeping together with no marriage ties. This caught my mind, I was in the same exact position, I had a girlfriend within the house, unmarried, and I still slept with other women behind her back, even without protection. He told me of how the sin could end the life of a person if they contracted untreatable diseases or engaged in fights, which were too common over women. I knew this was within me and I agreed. Third, murders, he drove the point home by stating, men have made women pregnant only to have them abort the children and throw them away in dustbins or in rivers. Others have killed or stabled others while quarreling over little issues, I was struck again, this was in me. Next, he touched on thefts, and told me that many a family have lost loved ones who have been burned or killed in the field. He told me that theft is a thought that drags you away to be killed out in the streets, it tells you, “You are good at it and cannot be caught,” but when you are burning or being killed, you turn around bitter and ask in regret why you could be so foolish as to listen. He explained how what began with five shillings blossoms into a great thief and there I felt as though he knew me. Next he mentioned lusts and started talking of how men drip in desire after women, who are skimpily dressed and salivate over them. Whatever he mentioned about lusts I could not remember, as I was lost in thought on what lust had become for me, the porn, the masturbation, and the stray sexual desires, the sodomy, the desire to work the street for money. As I drowned in these thoughts, I knew these stated things were in me. I did not want to listen any longer. So I switched off my mind and started staring at my friends thinking of what a good thing they had received, for my teacher Mr. Awiti often called it the good news. I said to myself, see how they nod, they have received a beautiful thing.
I kept repeating that to myself while looking at them nod their heads. I was blacked out, just waiting for the session to be done. Details of what happened later, I do not recall, all I know is that they asked me to escort them and I came to my senses. “Ooh the session is over” was my claim. I escorted them and came back to an empty house. I found it boring and being a Saturday and with no money, I needed something to keep my mind of the reality, I walked straight to purchase some weed, kept it in the house and went for a stroll. I came back later after my girlfriend had slept, armed with food to cook and eat after smoking. I worked my way in the kitchen prepared the food, smoked half the joint, watched a funny comedy, and when I was through, I wanted to smoke the rest, eat and sleep. After smoking the remaining joint, I thought to myself, what do I do, do I masturbate, do I program, or do I watch porn and just get horny? As the thoughts raced through my mind, questions about the events of the day started streaming in. What if what the pastor had said in the house could be true? If it is a lie, its all well, it’s the usual, but if it’s the truth, then that is the Word of God, we prayed to God and in this similar place I am smoking. For the first time in my life, I saw the magnitude of my disobedience. The repercussions of the truth rolled in mind and I consumed the truth and saw myself worthy of death.
Then the heavens opened, the giant veil that lay on my face and bound my thoughts was taken away. The house was filled with a strange light and surely the presence of He who spoke to me was holy. “What are you doing” I was asked. I questioned wherever the voice came from, but all the while, I was too afraid to look up. I was vile, I was defiled, I was guilty, I was disobedient, no, it is not me you are speaking to. I had to walk to the balcony just to confirm I was not dreaming or going insane from the weed. Outside at the balcony, the voice did not leave me, I only thought to myself, wherever you are running to you may get mad, get knocked down by a vehicle and your whereabouts may never be known. Go and clear it out with Him. So I went back into the house, locked my door and started listening. “What are you doing?” still I had no answer. “Why do you ruin your life?” I had no answer, all that kept rolling through my mind, was the greatest sense of disobedience and how worthy I was fit for death. I thought within myself, if He were to decree death to me at this point, I would willingly agree for that is my portion, for that I am fit. For why I ruin my life, I had no answer. Next, He questioned me, “Where have you left mum?” and I took to reflect on the question. I have been hiding from my mum, because she sent me school fee, close to ksh. 150,000, which I squandered. All the while I have forged bank and school receipts and sent them to her, but she wants proof of the certificate, which I could forge. However, my in-law went to the same school and without an original copy, I could not forge them, for I did that as a job. And even if I sent the certificate, they may use it to look for work, so here I was not caring about home, my guilt was driving me away from mum. After thinking of this, I had to call mum, then and there. I had to mend the relationship. I called her, asked how she was faring on, calmed down her worries on why I was calling late at 12 am, and let her be.
Thinking the conversation was done, I sat down but came the next question, “Why do you not want to go to church, did I not purchase you clothes, which you claimed you lacked?” I reflected on this too, my friends were telling me to go to church, my girlfriend pressured me, my neighbors asked me relentlessly, the pastor asked me, but I refused. I did not argue on this one, I knew I had to go to church the next day. I took clothes and put them on and prepared myself for what lay ahead of me. Sitting down as if the resolution was what was desired of me, I relaxed. Then the thoughts started streaming in, and I saw myself leaving home and arriving in Nairobi, working my way to where I was, the string of events that were coming to my way, just to ensure I did no stray and how each time, I was straying. I saw the events of the day and saw my life light years ahead of me. It was me standing and watching over all my efforts, without a care for sin, with no burden on my heart, and living a pious life. I was seeing the vision of the life I aimed for, what I desired but could not get. Then, I started talking within myself, this is the life I want, Lord give me this, this is what I need. As I went out jovially to ask for it, the vision ended and I saw myself at a dumping site. Here I was clutching on a sack, and collecting all the valuables at the site, in tattered clothes, a trouser that had turned into a short, torn all over, sandals that had lost all function, torn shirt, long nails, a dirty skin that had not bathed for most of his life. I was looking at peals of banana and collecting them for later, I was looking for food.
The sight messed me up, I saw myself for who I really was, I saw who I was turning into, and looking for my weed in the dustbin where I had threw them away confirmed the sight to me. I was insane on the inside. I saw what I was turning into and the sight repulsed me, I did not want it, I did not take any pleasure in it, I needed something new, I needed what I had been shown and I started talking, I want what you showed me a while before, that is the life I want, this I do not, I do not want the insanity, I want to live the life you just showed me first. I stood up with the resolve, I wanted the life and I had to get it. Like Jacob, I was willing to wrestle for on this my whole life was riding on, this was the break I needed in life. This was an opportunity come my way and the Lord had it, I had to acquire it, what will you have me do Lord. Then He mentioned this to me, “Know that only I have the power to tie up your neck like a knot and leave you for dead.” I was struck, he had power over me, power to end it as He pleased, He was worthy of respect, He was worthy of worship. I stood up from my chair and started rehearsing the one thing I knew throughout my life with my father after he had punished me. I started speaking, I will not repeat this again, I will not repeat this again, I will not repeat this again. Then a voice spoke to me, just kneel down and pray. I took to my knees, knelt down and started praying. As I talked, I felt the burden lifted off my heart, I felt myself become empty. Every word I spoke was moving towards an unapproachable light, that I could now see clearly while praying. But the thought came to me, you a sinner, what do you seek where all is holy. I came to my senses and said to myself; I will end this prayer and will seek all my life to know how to become like Him. I needed to come to his presence fit and holy as he is. So I cut my prayer resolved to go wherever the pastor was to preach, I needed to know how to be holy. After ending my prayer and seated there, the heavens closed up and my bulb lit up as usual.
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