Chapter 4: The Birth of a Resolution

The ordeal had ended, but I needed to get all the weed out of my system, I did not want a trace of it remaining in me. I resolved to let go of all my pet sins and give them away, I wanted to be a new man. I desired hungrily for holiness for the first time, I needed to be different, like God, for I resolved only he was worthy of worship, only He who had the power over my life could be listened to. I warmed up my food, woke up my girlfriend and gave it to her to eat. She ate heartily and kept asking me what was different that I was being all good to her. I waited for her to clear eating and told her my ordeal that night. She was all in tears, “Why has not a similar thing happened to me,” she cried. “Circumstances are different,” I said for I had nothing to tell her really. She wept, I felt for her, and I wished a similar life for her too. I put her to sleep, took, cushions and slept on the floor. I could not sleep with her on the same bed, she was not my wife, it was not right. I found it hard to sleep because of the noises that I heard on the roof, the cats wailing and scratching, everything was clear like I was deaf but could now hear. I was afraid, terrified and the next day, I slept willingly at a friend’s place, my own place was no longer comfortable for me. I was being pressed to move out as we had come to an agreement before with my girlfriend that since it was not working out I had to move out and start out a new. Within a few days, I do not recall how long, I was off the house and I went to Mwiki to put up with a friend. I stayed there for quite a while just working and praying and I often desired that the vision could come up to me as it did. That this was the mode God was going to use to talk to me.

I remember one time, I thought the same thing happened and I prayed relentlessly until I found myself on the dust, just crying wherever I was. When I went to the house and my friend and his cousin asked me what had happened, I told them I saw a vision again, but this time, I realized how foolish that was, it was just a man who had seen me reflecting deeply and praying to God. I started seeking out a church to go to. After my ordeal with God, I had gone to a church in Kibera where the pastor preached, he came from Nyakach and would go back there. So I attended the service and for the first time, I heard them reaching out to everything that people held on the inside, I found them preaching a word that could fetch out my hidden things and bring them to light. But Kibera was a past that I desired not to relieve, as I had left the place. I needed a church that was more upscale, somewhere I could fit. So I tried Catholic, I went and sat down for the whole mass and saw the ceremonies for what they were, ceremonies. All through the service, nothing fetched out my inner mess and dragged them out to the light. I was hurt, I could not waste my time in such a place regardless of its upscaleness. I sought out a second church, one of the Pentecostals and sat down to listen, fresh out of the world of sin, my thoughts were clear, I was in the Church and the pastor was pushing me to fall down. And when I refused, he used his force to push me to fall into another man’s arms. I was praying weepingly but I could see through the lies. This was no truth for me and when I had no offering, I was dumped for others who brought offerings and they were given more attention. Since I had no money with me, I became a burden. I looked at the hypocrisy and the preaching on prosperity and I left.

Later I called the pastor who preached to me the word of salvation and told him what had happened to me when he left my house. I opened up my heart and told him all the things that I had been helped to let go off that night. He was surprised, he did not know it even himself, he came along preaching and left. When I realized that the churches out there were not helping me to learn how to be holy, I went back to Kibera, walked through the sewages, the mud, and even though it was rainy, I never minded dirt on my clean boots. I remember looking at them and saying I look for the Word of God through this trash, I could not believe it, but I knew what I sought was greater. I stayed in the Kibera Church for while, told them of my testimonies and throughout their preaching, I was learning to weep for the Lord. I learned of the sorrow that leads to repentance without regret and I desired it. I started praying out to my God. Now, the pastor came back to Nairobi later and with my friend, they talked of putting up a church in Kawangware. Then I was called in to come help, God was beginning a new work in Kawangware and if I desired I could be part of it. I came unwillingly, alert that it would mean I was to leave Mwiki, where I had began my life anew. I came offered the help I could and left. The church began in my friend’s house and there we worshiped God, praised him and listened to the word. I was living in Mwiki, but each time, I found it hectic to move to and from Mwiki just to come listen to the word of God and share in this vision. Then on one occasion as I left for Mwiki, I got the call, as I walked to board the bus at a stage a distance way, my heart turned to stone, it became heavy and my breathing labored. When I stopped, it all stopped, when I desired to continue, my heart became heavy again like a load was placed on me, when I stopped, it all stopped. So I said to myself, I will try once more and if I feel whatever I have felt, I will turn back. So I tried and again, it came heavily, then I resolved to go back and settle in kawangware for good. And as I walked back, every pain and heaviness was lifted. I looked at the stage a distance away, but I realized I was giving up Mwiki for Kawangware. So I sought to make my life anew in Kawangware.

There I rented out a house and asked the pastor to move in with me since the other guy had a wife and kids, it was just inconvenient. So we stayed together and I learned a lot from him during the period. Since I was learning to talk and become more sociable, I took the opportunity to take him through my life’s story, I even told him about all things I saw on the internet. We went through several porn sites as I told him what it was I wanted to do. Little did I know what I was doing. Then on one night, dead asleep, I feel a hand crawling deep into my trousers. I slapped it away and slept. But it came on again and worked its way to my penis and I shot up. I got off the bed, took a seat, at about 2 – 3 am. “How could this be, was this not my spiritual father, what was this I was seeing, did I not come here seeking refuge?” I asked myself. As the thoughts raced through my mind, the old instinct kicked in, you either are in the church holy or outside as a sinner. This was what I was escaping, how could this be? Distraught, I started packing my stuff, ready to leave the house. Then he came to where I was packing my bags and took hold of my hand. “Edward, whatever is pushing you to leave this place has wicked intentions for you,” See how he is making you angry, it is not for your good, out there, he means you harm. Then I listen, he being my spiritual father. I wanted to see how he was going to handle the issue and for the first time, I saw my opportunity to learn another lesson. I sat him down and talked to him in the sharpest language I ever knew. I told him, I could sit and listen to him, but an unsaved person would never do that. He told me the absence of his wife had caused all that and he was only dreaming about his wife during the incident. He claimed he was totally unaware and I gave him the benefit of doubt. That night, we wept bitterly to the Lord, asking him to alter the events.

I confidently walked back into the bed and slept. The events had no effect on me then, for after praying to God, all was cool. What I started planning was to get my own place and no longer share a room with my pastor. So I began the efforts. I worked hard and prayed to the Lord until he gave me enough to rent my own place. I deserted my pastor’s house and walked way into a room that had nothing, I remember putting clothes on the floor and going hungry for the next four days, under the pretense I was fasting because I had no stove or utensils to cook in. But I did not mind. We found a church and started worshiping there and bit by bit, we visited different places and congregations. I was more interested in learning more and I often sought occasions to learn. With the increasing network of churches, I was being introduced to pastors, whom I decided to learn more from. At that time, I started struggling with lust. Being in front of the computer each day and sometimes working on projects that needed me to review sites or evaluate advertisements that were definitely erotic, I was being hunted down. During the night, my dreams encompassed fighting against lusts of every kind and bit by bit they crept in. I started seeking advice here and there. “After salvation, what do you do when the temptations come crawling in? What is the approach one is to take?” I was being given recommendations, others told me to believe I had been created a new, they kept telling me it was all about my faith. I walked to different pastors to get their wisdom on how they dealt with lust, none of them had an answer that was driving the point home. So here I was, movies all around me having these erotic sessions, billboards poking my sexual appetite with their alluring adverts, all over the internet, even movie sites where I streamed movies advertised a form of lust.

I was trapped, this is the platform I use for work and this platform is that which has all these things. Do I stop using the internet and seek an office job or what? Here and their neighbors walking skimpily dressed, each having a mini dress that just drew you out and called you out to look and just fulfill those fantasies. I thought to myself, leaving the internet, changing my workplace, or choosing to live with my pastor cannot help. I have to stand and fight, I will always be alone and when someone asks for help I would need something to tell them. I needed to find a solution from the Lord. After struggling, I had an intense vision one night. I was leaving a house in the middle of the night and people came looking for me with burning torches as they sought out Jesus in the garden. I started running downhill towards a safe place, and from my East, West, North, and South, came multitudes seeking me out with torches everyone chanting a song and running heavily to capture me. I ran fast, but the arrows came flying, they hit me, but I did not give up. I ran with arrows all over me, the pain unbearable but I ran. Downhill there was sort of a valley that had dead men’s bones and carcasses and ahead was a river that if I crossed over I would be all safe. But reaching the valley with the carcasses the final blow brought me tumbling, I fell among the dead, with the front of my body looking up. Then came this lady, who was among the leaders of the pack and she said to others who thought I was dead that she would confirm it. She dressed in tight clothes that showed every inch of her nakedness and she came and bent over close to my penis, she wanted to seek and know if I was dead of pretending by enticing me sexually. She rubbed her body all over my penis, but found me dead. I was not moving, all I could think to myself where I lay, was God, kill all sense of feeling that the crowd may leave me for dead. And true, I never felt a tingle, She confirmed it and said “We are through let's go.”

As they left, I looked at the other side of the river, I saw a ray of hope and said to God with the last life in me, thank you for giving me this hope to come to you. It is not much, but I do not need much, and I started crawling towards the river and there I woke up. Troubled at the vision, I started seeking out answers, after numerous other visions had come true, I had cause to worry. I started moving from one pastor to the other, explaining it to them and asking for help. None had it in them to help me for all the advice they were giving me did not satisfy my weary soul. Then on one occasion, I sat down and listened to this guest pastor. He knew how to describe things and the way he preached caught my eye, I knew he had to help me given that he was young, but having a command of what he preached. I talked to him, and we prayed over it, by now everyone was convincing me that I was not saved because of the temptations I was receiving. The claims were throwing me off ground and I felt lost, but at the same time, I needed help. So I took this pastor’s number and talked for a while. He told of he had a vision of me and wished that He could share it with me. I looked for an opportunity and knowing that all my friends had done nothing to help me, I decided to engage him privately. He asked to meet and talk, but he stayed late wherever he was and later asked to come to my place for a session of talks. I agreed out of desperation, not thinking of any repercussions of my efforts. We came home, had supper and sat down to talk.







To be Cont’d